I’m grateful…

…to the stars I don’t get to see at night.

To the comfort of knowing they’ll always be there waiting for me to greet.

To the sounds of laughter and connection I’ll never get to experience.

To all the items I use to fill the space left behind by…people? Tattered, frayed, and burnt connections

To all the fantasies I’ve suppressed and buried so far down that I’ve forgotten what it means to feel pleasure.

To the sound of your broken voice this morning.

To the sound of my dragging feet.

To all of it.

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Magic Sex

My relationship with myself is slowly developing into something that I can now look fondly upon.   Before, all I would feel is shame, sadness, and a longing that I could never pinpoint.   I’m lying, I know that this longing stems from my inability to ground within my body.   I see people on the internet living such beautiful lives, or at least, I used to see them.  Now that I’ve switched from smart phone to flip phone, I’m no longer looking enviously to others.  I’m turning inwards and what I see is startling.  I see someone in need of healing and who is starved of love.  How could I have thought that I could continue to live happily as I have been?  Living in repetition and never stopping to ask myself, “what can I do today that will make me feel enriched?”

Today, I made love to myself.

I made love to myself and it was delicious and earth-shattering.  I was sensual and attentive.  I touched myself in ways that only I could, and next time, I want to be able to make myself feel this way without pornography.

I’ve come to find that my generation often struggles with masturbation and pornography.  I’ve also found that it’s a thing to not want to talk about it.  Why not talk about it?  If we can watch movies that involve people having sex, why not talk about masturbating?  Earlier this year, I spoke with this wonderful woman living in Australia.  Her name is Carly.  We began the conversation with my fear of going beyond my comfort zone.  I struggle with cooking, having mindful sex with my partner, and having mindful sex with myself.  Sometime before this phone call, I came across this post on facebook (which I have since deactivated) of a woman, whom I respect greatly, talking of the potential dangers of pornography.  I brought this up on my call and mentioned how I can only masturbate if I’m watching porn.  With confidence, Carly told me that this is the root cause of all my struggles.  She said I needed to learn to ground within my body; to dance freely, practice yoga, and practice touching myself without any outside stimuli.  Once I do this, everything else will come.  No pun intended.

Since then, I’ve only been able to get off without porn only a handful of times.  And I believe that’s okay.  Today, I went on reddit, looked up some interesting doujinshi, and I mindfully made love to myself.  I think this is how I’ll begin to heal.  I’m here to say that you don’t have to quit something cold turkey.  I’m saying consider bringing mindfulness to what you already do.  Masturbation can be something sacred if you allow it to be.

Sooo, yeah. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for some time now. It takes me so long to integrate these lessons.  Lately, it feels like life has been fast-forwarding.  However, I’ve been cooking more and my intimacy level with my partner has gone up since that phone call.  These progressions are slow, but they’re there.  I’m grateful to where I am and I’m grateful to the security.  I’m grateful to all the love I’ve been receiving and I’m grateful to feel my heart expanding in response.  Life has been treating me very gently.  I feel protected and tenderly supported.  This feeling is wonderful.

espresso infused affirmations

Today, I choose to ground deliciously inside my body.

Today, I step lovingly into a more aligned way of existing.

Today, I let my breath deepen.

Today, I feel my heart pound in my chest as I peel my shoulders back.

Today, I let my eyes wander frequently to the trees swaying outside my window.

Today, I give thanks to the pink and white flowers that fall from the trees to dance within the wind’s current.

Today, I wave back in greeting.

Today, I become aware of the magic in my fingers and the magic in my body.

Today, I make peace with the whispers in my mind.

Today, they sing.

Today, I welcome synchronicity.

Today, I take notice of the signs and feel gratitude.

Today, I ground deliciously inside my body and allow my thinking mind to take a rest.

Today, I love my reality.

Today, I love you.

Today, I live in harmony with those around me.

Today, I choose to make love to my universe as often as I can, with every conscious breath.

Today, I choose to laugh freely.

Today, today, today.

as we sway beneath the palm trees in our affection for each other

The scent of your hair reminds me of palm trees.

The scent of your skin is musty and all encompassing.

My daydreams are filled with laughter, appreciation, and anticipation for our future.

In the circle of your arms, I’m warmed. With my arms snaked around your neck and my lips pressed against the skin of your collar bone, I breathe you in.

I appreciate this new distance between us and the time I spend missing you.

 

Serenity

I feel as though I’ve finally graduated. The clouds have parted for me and the sun warms my skin. How I love this skin, my body.

If I had only known how crisp the air in my lungs would feel. Serene. I’ve graduated. I have a new layer surrounding me now. New barriers that I constructed from pieces of broken paradigms. I see people clearly now as worthy and insignificant. Worthy of my politenss and respect. Insignificant when they fail to return the same. I’m grateful to and love my newfound boundaries. Even through my struggles, my heart beats with tenderness and compassion. My love contracts only to expand and reach new distances.

And all the fucking shit I had to do to get here. It continues to pile up. So much to learn. So much to shift in my mind and blocks to get past. It’s so worth it. I’m finding a balance.

practicing mindfulness

I remember watching cartoons as a child and always always wanting to have the magical abilities that the characters on screen possessed.  I wanted to travel worlds like them, move things with my mind, and see things no one else could. Never would I have dreamt that I would actually get there.

I travel in my dreams, and although I can’t move things with my mind (yet), I can bring my desires into reality.  What a time to be alive. If only I could go back in time and reassure my younger self. I am truly a magical being.  I love this life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  These experiences, people, and multidimensional beings.  The worlds I travel to in my sleep.  They’re so solid and real.

And the beauty in this world, now, outside my window and inside my office.  There are two trees waving hello at me.  Pink and white petals tapping at my window.  The feel of my fingers clicking against the keyboard.  The sound of the pages in my notebook turning.  The feel of my breath expanding in my lungs and releasing out my nose.  The warmth of my chair.  The warmth of my skin.  The coolness of my breakfast smoothie going down my throat and expanding inside my stomach.  The slight strain of my muscles as I heave the window slightly open to let the summer air in.

I’m grateful to this life.  I’m grateful to my universe.  I am grounded and sure-footed.