Delicious Absurdities

Catch Your Breath

A brief pause at this moment to really take the time to inhale.  As you saw last night, there will be moments that will leave you feeling so out of control.  You’ll want to escape, quit, and curse the world.  Realize that these moments of discomfort are fleeting.  You are being tested.

  1. How did you handle yourself?
  2. How quickly did you release the urge to control?
  3. How deep was your breathing?
  4. Were you able to surrender and fully immerse yourself in the situation?
  5. Did you find yourself feeling satisfied?

There will always be times of discomfort.  Catch your breath.  Feel gratitude and satisfaction for this delicious moment.  Once it’s time to flex your muscles again, you’ll be ready.

 

Dancer King – Gift of Wisdom

“Great spirit of the sunken sea,
Lord of heartbreak’s wisdom he,
Knows well both peace and ancient war,
The fire within the ocean’s roar…”

Keywords: Experienced, Wise, Deep, Introverted, Emotional, Turbulent, Fascinating

Can you hear beneath all the noise? Can you feel my whispers tickling the nape of your neck? Are you becoming aware of these sensations? My hands on your waist, grazing softly and tenderly on your stomach. I inhale deeply and audibly as I kiss over your belly button. I exhale and my body contracts around yours.

I invite you to dance with me by learning to dance with the world around you. Not everything is about you. Release the need to control. Smile and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Bring in your highest vibration and encase yourself in universal light.

Remember me through it all.

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This has been sitting in my drafts for some weeks now.

There are things building up inside me.
Naps are like medicine right now.
Lots of healing going on
Lots of shadow work
I’m being stretched and pulled into a new body, a new way of reacting to things, and brand new experiences.
I’m scared. I keep crying and–
It all just feels so very good though.
I don’t know what I want right now. It feels like I’m being forced to pick what I want in my life and what I don’t.
I feel it in my chest. It’s high up on my chest, snaring at my throat.
FUCK. The cries from my fears are rising up. I’m deafened as it continues to rise before it finally drifts away.
Things I want to do:
Learn how to cut cords.

I feel activated.
I want to befriend you.

channelings

I’m feeling tremendously out of control.

-Nothing is about you.
Her days are numbered and she knows it.  She’s beginning to panic and it’s NOT ABOUT YOU.  You sense it and it eats away at you because it’s eating away at her.  You have to remember to stay centered.  You are strong-willed and strong-minded. People are upset because you’re winning. They’re so used to being complacent, so much so that seeing someone actually trying and succeeding as fast as you are is triggering. You are a goddess and you are in your power. This can be triggering for some. It’s okay though. Stay inside. Forget the world. Do what you need to do to feel centered and loved. You are loved. Love yourself. Breathe. You got this  ❤

Surrender to this feeling.  It’s knotted in the pit of your stomach.  Breathe into it.  Now imagine the feeling begin to blossom with golden radiance.  Nurture this feeling.  Tell it that it’ll all be okay, because it usually is.  Congratulations on your promotion.  You worked hard for it.  You’re deserving of it.  Imagine how bad the universe feels now that you have it and instead of feeling joyous and deserving, you feel the opposite.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.  Things fall away.  Let them.  Say bye to them with love.  Send them off with blessings and light.

I release what no longer serves and what needs to die, and I will remain.  I’m willing to change for a better reality.  I’m imagining myself walking up to an open door.  On the other side, I see dazzling white light.  I step in and I’m engulfed by it.  It swirls around and within me.  It dances with my own power.  A waltz of tranquil yet empowering magic.  I breathe this power in, all the way down to my gut.  It continues the more I inhale, grounding me.  Gaia sings to me!  She sings words of support and love.  She brings me to tears.  I love you, too.  Her magic fills me.  It mingles with my own.  I connect to the sun and I feel fires rain down from above.  I’m engulfed once again.  I invite it to burn away what no longer serves.  I am calmed, centered, loved, protected, and fully-equipped as I begin to dissolve.  I am one with this light.

Do you feel it now?  This protective barrier is calming, empowering, enchanting… It harmonizes with the magic within you AND others.  We are lighthouses and we are candles.  We light the way and we light other candles on this path.  Sending all of us healing, activating, and loving intentions.  This reality is ours.  We must start acting like it is.

affirmations that were difficult for me to say out loud

When the urge to talk shit arises, I will let the emotions of anger, impatience, or whatever they may be, pass through.

I will breathe and thank the universe for this opportunity to expand.

I’m grateful to all that I am and all that I have.

I’m grateful to my home.  I will take a bench and tv tray outside and let myself be immersed by nature.  This space is safe and mine.

I will take the necessary steps to grow and learn that which interests me.  I will continue to learn about astrology because it helps me to understand myself and others.  I will do this until I feel comfortable enough to put myself out there.

The cushion in my bank account is ever-growing, ever-building, and ever-there.

There is magic to be found in every moment.  There is magic within me, fueling and enchanting me; and there is magic around me, swirling around my finger tips and engulfing me.  This feeling is soft and cozy.

I ask for guidance and protection.  I send out love and abundance.  I allow myself to receive and feel worthy.  I ask for ground-breaking epiphanies and I ask to be dazzled by my universe.  I ask for gentle nudges.  I ask for clear signs that are loud and that I can’t explain away.  I ask to be shocked by the awesomeness of my reality.

I am blanketed by this love.

Stay Cozy

The stress was beginning to eat me up again, as it has been everyday for the last couple of weeks.  Is this what  practicing for a marathon feels like?  When you’ve pushed yourself as hard as your lungs will take you only to realize you still have miles and miles left ahead of you?  My feet are pounding against the pavement and my muscles are screaming and my breath is constantly falling short on my lips.

I’m reminded to regulate my breathing and to drift… drift… drift to My Happy Place.

The weather has been so nice lately; why am I still inside?

The month of July was a period of serious expansion for me.  I went through so many periods where I felt like I was being turned on and off like a light switch.  Sorry for how that sounds.  I’ve felt groggy, sleep-deprived, confused, and sad.  There were days when I found myself alone and in tears.  I realize now that I was mourning the parts of myself that were falling away.  I still feel like I’m there, but the majority of me has come out the other side and I feel warmed, supported, and loved.  I’m learning to push back against the hot and heavy hand that’s been pressing down on me.

So many of my insecurities became painfully known.  It all came down to my lack of motivation and learning to be comfortable with being alone.  These past 3 years, my boyfriend and I have always spent the majority of our days with each other.  Now, the quality time we spend together has dwindled down to a couple of times a week and brief encounters in between shifts.  Even now, I can feel the waters within me start to churn with sadness and loneliness.  But so much good has come of this transition.  My relationship has blossomed into something unrecognizably beautiful, and I’m relying on what has slowly become the sweet company of my mind.

I experienced a lot of pain this July, and I’ve also never been more delighted to be alive.

A couple of things I learned:

1.  You can’t run away from your problems.

2.  Often times when you face a problem, you’re rewarded by the universe.

3.  A lot of the negativity that I carried around has alleviated since:

a.  asking my guides for guidance and protection

b.  picturing myself surrounded by light

c.  and asking any lingering-unknown-and-not-of-the-light entities to leave me alone.

I love you and wish you delicious experiences, ground breaking epiphanies, and sweet, sweet transitions.

a letter to the universe

I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-loathing.  I hate who I am when I’m by myself.  I hate who I am when I’m around others.  I hate that I nit pick at every little thing.  Why has it been so fucking hard to be happy?

I haven’t been working out and all I do is watch youtube videos.  I feel like I’m wasting away.  I’m wasting this life and it makes me sick that I can’t be grateful to this privileged life.  And I keep seeing all these signs telling me to just sit with my feelings.  But I feel like that’s all I do.  I over analyze every moment and every thought.  Every word that slips through my teeth, I immediately want to retract.  I keep replaying cringey moments and it just makes me feel like I’m covered with so much nonsense.

I know that I care too much of what others think of me.  But how can I begin to undo these layers?  They’re imbedded inside my skin.  I’m so tightly bound.  If anyone gets too close, it’s like something in me will snap and I’ll accidentally hurt someone.  Maybe I’m just afraid of saying I’m hurting.  I’m afraid of sounding weak.  I’m afraid of being turned away or shut down.  I’m afraid of failing so I don’t even try anymore.

I’m so tightly bound that I’m constantly forgetting how to breathe.  I’m so tightly bound, that when I see or hear someone cry on tv or on a podcast, tears immediately start to run down my face.  Why am I like this?

…and now I’m crying at work.

And now I’m cry-laughing.  I live in cycles.  I feel like I’ve released something.  And there’s a moment of clarity before I feel myself start to wonder if this is really something I want to share.  And then my stomach starts to clench and fold in on itself.

Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.

I was told earlier this week that just because I’m a lightworker, it doesn’t mean that I can’t feel sadness or anger or apathy.  And I know I don’t feel like this all the time.  I forget how infinitely dark this hole can seem.  I think I’m finally starting to get it.  Even if I can’t fully explain it, my body feels lighter.  This is what it means to sit with your feelings.  I go through moments when all I feel is shame and guilt for not being “successful.”  But I am successful.  I’ve been through shit and I always come out stronger. But why do I recede?  Where does my confidence go?  Why am I so easily discouraged?  I wish I had the answers. I have to leave now.

Thank you for sitting here with me today.  Love you.